Don't Waste Precious Time Apologizing

Nepal © Sandy Price 2012

All of us are bound to misstep.  As we trip through life, it is inevitable.  How precious, then, is the early innocence of children.  How important the opportunity to teach children kindness toward one-another.








There are two categories of wrong-doing, that which is between the wrong-doer and God - or the between you and yourself or the Universe if you're not a God person - and that which is between the wrong-doer and another person.

Remorse - meaning, a recognition of wrong-doing, followed by confession and a firm intention not to repeat the behavior - might more easily be addressed toward God or to the mirror or put out there to the Universe. More easily because the consequences for putting it out there in this way are negligible.  It doesn't stir up any bad feelings or initiate conflict.

It should come as no surprise, however, that in the latter case - wrong-doing toward another person -apology, remorse and restitution must be directed toward the individual who sustained the harm.

Today's Chofetz Chaim addresses an utterance of speech that could result in harm to someone, but as of yet has not. In that case, one's duty is not to run to the target of the speech and apologize, but instead to rush to preempt harm by contacting everyone who has heard and let them know the statement was inaccurate.

Ouch.

How a real man apologizes

I've discussed apologies here and elsewhere before.  Today an apology by Jason Alexander, famously known for his portrayal of Seinfeld's George Costanza, crossed my desk.  Jason, on a talk show, found himself in the midst of a discussion about the sport of Cricket, and proceeded to crack some jokes designed to distinguish the polite sport from rougher ground sports.  He used "kinda gay" as one of his descriptors.  The audience laughed, but later, he heard from some offended fans.

Alexander's apology is an exceptional example of what a real apology should be.  It is both thoughtful and genuinely remorseful, but it goes an extra mile by striving to understand the reasons he offended, to acknowledge his acts caused harm, and to show clearly that he's learned.

"But what we really got down to is quite serious. It is not that we can’t laugh at and with each other. It is not a question of oversensitivity. The problem is that today, as I write this, young men and women whose behaviors, choices or attitudes are not deemed “man enough” or “normal” are being subjected to all kinds of abuse from verbal to physical to societal. They are being demeaned and threatened because they don’t fit the group’s idea of what a “real man” or a “real woman” are supposed to look like, act like and feel like.


For these people, my building a joke upon the premise I did added to the pejorative stereotype that they are forced to deal with everyday. It is at the very heart of this whole ugly world of bullying that has been getting rightful and overdue attention in the media. And with my well-intentioned comedy bit, I played right into those hurtful assumptions and diminishments."

That was just a whistle-wetter.  Click this sentence to read the rest of it.